07.01.05
(written 07.02.05--12:57 a.m.)

remembered to say
"rabbits, rabbits, rabbits"
upon waking
hettie jones told me once that when you say this on this first of the month
you will have good luck the whole month long.
went to drug store
"$22.42," the cashier said.
checked my sweats,
"i left my wallet home, can u set the bags on the side?"
she mumbled "yes,"
and i walked home,
it getting hotter and hotter,
breathing worse,
grab my mail,
feel the cool air in my apartment,
pull my sweats and boxers off,
put on sleepy shorts and grab some iced tea.

07.02.05
(written 07.04.05--1:34 a.m.)

i never went back out
to get the extension cord
to get the surge protector
and pick up shopping bags
i just layed in my bed
watching tv
a little wimbledon women's singles
and then the mets game
had some phone sex
with an internet girl
it was pretty good
i taught her all she knows
i don't need no extension cord
or a surge protector
that is what i heard
my fan and air cooling
are doing me fine
i'll take another nap
this saturday afternoon

07.03.05
(written 07.04.05--1:38 a.m.)

went to the mets game
with my niece michelle
(she's
12
years
old)
we talked a bit all day
throughout our car rides
throughout the ball game
there were some fun asides
she kept asking questions
about the game and life
she kept apologizing
i told her no need too
i answered as best i could
and cracked many bad jokes
she called something a spritzer
i explained it was a screwdriver
and the in explained what a greyhound is
and what a cape cod is.
went to the mets game
with my niece michelle
(she's
12
years
old)
we had a fun day.

07.04.05
(written 07.05.05--12:30 a.m.)

when you see an old friend
i mean really old
the kinda so old
where you've known them since birth
where you square danced together in fourth grade at the waldorf=astoria
where at a chanukah show you each wore orange and yellow crete paper
each one of you candles in the menorah
and today i see my old friend
where i see her each year
on the fourth of july
at our mutual friends' barbecue
and she walks around
and ends up by me
we haven't talked in a year
it doesn't seem it to me.

07.05.05
(written 07.06.05--12:40 a.m.)

my new/old air conditioner
blew the fuse it was plugged in
so on the way home from work today
i did what the installer man said
and bought a heavy duty extension cord
and gave the ac its own outlet
and three minutes later
the same fuse blew
for seven years no air conditioner
and a fan and my forced cool air took car of me
now i'm out a hundred bucks
from the installation and various cords
and surge protectors
i wonder when i stop.

07.06.05
(written 07.07.05--1:46 a.m.)

made collection calls at work
they're really no fun
stayed an hour later
never again
had chips, pretzels, and dip
for dinner tonight
and then haagen daz vanilla swiss almond
i ate the whole pint
saw a girl i know
on aol im
we decided on phone sex
if later we could
but her kid got home late
and we said goodnight
i'm watching nash bridges
things are alright.

07.07.05
(written 07.08.05--1:03 a.m.)

i've got a crush on a lesbian i know
i saw her again tonight
it's the kind of crush that's beyond harmless
which makes it feel oh so nice
is it wrong that when i have phone sex
with someone who isn't her
that i ask them to pretend that they are
and they do.
because i don't think it's wrong
and i've been google image searching her
hoping new pictures will appear
and all i can think of right now
is her t-shirt riding up
to reveal her back and her belly
that's all.

07.08.05
(written 07.10.05--9:03 p.m.)

set my alarm early
to be at work for eight
so i could leave at 12
keep my electrician date

a week ago
two air conditioners installed
for $170
but they don't blow cold

because each time they're on
a breaker blows
so the electrician's due
will tell me what he knows

but he says that
my choices are two
pay $700 for two separate fuses
or shut other stuff off when they're on
(which was my idea,
and he says won't work)

so now two windows
have ornamental ac's
i'll stick to my and forced air
fulfilling my needs.

07.09.05
(written 07.10.05--9:29 p.m.)

email live aid bands to assemble backline
watch yankee old timer festivities
and then the met game
made 512 ounces of decaffeinated diet lipton ice tea,
and put an 1/8 lb of hebrew national turkey breast,
some hellman's mayonaise,
and half a plum tomato,
on an onion bun.

07.10.05--9:46 p.m.

it's been awhile
but a phone fun friend was online
early this afternoon
her son was out
so she said call in five minutes,
i went to the bathroom,
peeing through the precum,
grabbed my cell phone and the ky,
took my t-shirt and sleepy shorts off
and got beneath my blanket.

07.11.05
(written 07.13.05--12:25 a.m.)

went to mcdonald's
it's my occasional lunch treat
ordered the same thing i always do
a filet-o-fish extra value meal
with a large french fries
and a large diet coke
no ice.

went back to work
and ate the fries first
that's the way my dad taught me
because there's nothing worse than cold french fries

and then i ate the filet-o-fish
drinking my diet coke all the way
until everything was done.

remembered how simon
told me at work the other day
how mcdonald's was treating their french fries
with unkosher beef fat
i told him i thought i had heard that years ago
but that they had changed it since.

so my meal finished
i googled mcdonald's french fries ingredients
ended up at their site
and clicked on french fries

there i saw that they still use beef fat flavoring
in their french fries
it's a sad day for the kosher boy
yet another sad day for the kosher boy.

07.12.05
(written 07.13.05--12:36 a.m.)

i'm leaving work early each day
at 4:30
enough time to walk home
maybe buy some soda and pretzels
enough time to be home for five
and watch a gilmore girls rerun
on the abc family channel
catching up on what i've never seen
(just started watching this past season)
so that's four hours of pay
every two weeks
that this hourly wage worker gives up
but i can't tell you how happy it makes me
i really can't.

07.13.05
(written 07.14.05--11:36 a.m.)

everytime i put on
one of these live album shows
the kind with 10 or more musical acts
(last night's live aid one had 11)
i like that i've done my work
ahead of time
and can just sit there, listen, and relax.

07.14.05--11:20 a.m.

2

we're each going from opposite sides of 28th street
on to the west side of eighth avenue
i spot you as you begin to turn
you're wearing the least amount of clothing
of any girl not on a beach i've ever seen
a pair of black boxer briefs,
clinging to you,
the elastic band rolled down
once,
and a matching black sports bra
that looks more like a bra
especially since you're walking
you've got that short, short blonde hair,
but not too short,
that workout girls like to wear
and i catch you at the light
on 29th street
i go to your left
and take a look at your face
it's a very nice face
(for some reason i have that song "all star"
going through my head)
we walk past my bodega,
the one i go into almost everyday
the beautiful women owner isn't there
and then past the magazine store
where i look at timeout new york listings of my events
but it's ok i occasionally buy my porn there,
and then she turns left,
into the dry cleaners.
hey now, you're an all star,
get your game on, go play.

07.15.05
(written 07.17.05--10:50 p.m.)

did my usual cleaning job for overnight guests
clean sheets and pillowcases, this time, clean blanket,
and towels and washcloths set aside.
picked up all the soda bottles i'd thrown on the floor,
emptied my trash cans,
and brought all of it,
plus the delivery food trash bags,
to the door for disposal.
then cleaned the futon off
by throwing 90% of the stuff into
a to-be-sorted clear plastic garbage bag
that i'll never sort out.


07.16.05
(written 07.17.05--11:34 p.m.)

i called my folks at 10:59 p.m.
to let my mom know that
the last episode of the show Wild Card
was starting on Lifetime in one minute
but they didn't answer the house phone
so i left a message on my dad's cell
and he called back 20 minutes later
and i told him why i called
but i didn't tell him that i taped it
and that monday at work
i'm going to mail it to her
unlabelled.

07.17.05--11:41 p.m.

i have to call the cable company tomorrow
ask for a one week extension on the final notice
company's don't usually grant extensions upon final notices
but it's what i'll have to ask for her
because otherwise my options are to get my cable, cable modem, and phone shut off,
and these aren't really options when you have a roommate
who pays you rent each month so he gets to use these services too,
which means the real option then would be to borrow money
and i really don't want to do that either,
my bank balance is less cause the state's garnishing my wages
to pay off a small tax debt from 2003,
but combine that with me slacking on my hours at work
(it's so nice to come in at 11:30 in the morning,
i can't tell you how nice--
but not as nice when you get your paycheck.)

07.18.05
(written 07.20.05--2:13 a.m.)

she said call at 2 am
15 minutes later her son came in
then she said to wait an hour
i read porn stories
and called in 45 minutes.

07.19.05
(written 07.20.05--2:14 a.m.)

i had cherry italian ices after a baked ziti tray
and pepperidge farm chocolate chunk cookies
in the morning my glucometer reading won't please.

07.20.05
(written 07.21.05--9:38 a.m.)

i saw a girl who i used to work with
at the show i went to yesterday
a girl who i used to work with
can she be more beautiful now,
i think she is more beautiful now.

a girl who i used to work with
waved to me through the crowd
a girl who i used to work with
stopped by,smiled her face, said hello,
this girl who i used to work with
she's more beautiful now than then,
more beautiful now than then.

07.21.05
(written 07.23.05--11:19 a.m.)

i skipped therapy this week
because my finances have grown tight
i skipped therapy this week
because i never really see the point

i've been seeing some sort of counselor
from the time that i turned 13
and i'm still seeing some sort of counselor
at 38, you know what i mean

when does it all get better
i'm not sure it ever does
but i'm too squeamish for the options
and it's pretty okay here
so my status quo keeps status quoing me along

and i'm not so sure if i'm a shell of the me i can be
or a content version of the one i am
it changes with the day and if i got good sleep
or how isolated i have become.

07.22.05
(written 07.23.05--11:31 a.m.)

all that i've been doing for two weeks now
is make collection calls from work
and though i hate the calling
the monotony, too,
the worst part is the notetaking
since now the liar boss, the one who i like the least
gets to walk up to my work space and pick up my pad and say,
"are these the calls that you made today?"

07.23.05
(written 07.26.05--2:25 a.m.)

i tell my mother i'm i'm not going into the video store
because she's going to pick what she wants anyway
and i follow her in
and she picks some movies
and then asks me if they're ok
and i say yes.

07.24.05
(written 07.26.05--2:28 a.m.)

every met game with my dad
is every met game with my dad from my childhood
us waiting outside the diamond club for rusty staub's autograph
when i was seven years old
or him and mom taking me to tom seaver's first game as a red at shea
dad scalping tickets in the parking lot
or them skipping touring vineyards in northern california
on our first trip to the state
and instead taking me to see the orioles against the a's, july 1975,
and here,
dodgers at mets
us eating tunafish on bialies and drinking waldbaum's brand crystal light lemonade,
as piazza blasts a two-run homer to left
as haqrd as he's ever hit one,
still.

07.25.05
(written 07.26.05--2:35 a.m.)

there are errands i need to run
need to bring my powerbook into the shop
it's running a bit too slow
and the aol instant messenger keeps quitting out
i need to bring in my cell phone
the interior display does not anymore
but see i make do with the slowed down
it keeps me from venturing
and that's ok

07.26.05
(written 07.27.05--12:35 a.m.)

found out that the new state health plan
doesn't cover the scrips i bought
while my coverage was lapsed
so hundreds of dollars gone
which means occasionally i open
a can of tuna
and stop ordering in every meal
(i like to order in every meal)
and the coverage begins on august 1
but some scrips run out before then
and i'm calling my psychopharmacologist
because i only have a day's worth of lithium left
it's been two years plus with the balance now
so i don't want to go off of it
even for just four days
but i don't want to spend $150
for what four days later will be free
i'm wondering how much will stay in my blood
i'm wondering if there's another way

07.27.05
(written 07.28.05--10:28 a.m.)

all i'm doing is making collection calls
i wouldn't mind if i did other things
but all i'm doing is making collection calls
i'm beginning to mind it
now.

07.28.05
(written 07.29.05--1:22 a.m.)

the former judy phoenix may be turning 36 today
an internet search shows a marriage to a kenneth drum
(i keep hoping that she didn't trade in phoenix for drum)
this is how it works, i guess,
everything, then removed.

07.29.05
(written 07.31.05--12:32 a.m.)

kansas state flower poem

it's kansas state flower's c.d. release party
at an illegal club in a loft space
under the manhattan bridge in brooklyn
and they're in the middle of the last official set
by a band in this space,
when they say they have two songs left.
"We've been together for two-and-a-half years
and all we know are nine songs," says drummer Christy.
"And two of them are covers," says bassist Julie.
"It's quality," says lead singer and guitarist Matt.
"Why write a bad song?"

07.30.05
(written 07.31.05--12:49 a.m.)

i went to the gristede's yesterday
added up each item in my head
as i threw them into my shopping cart
trying to stay near $20
since when i balanced my checkbook yesterday,
new check directly deposited,
a debt and some bills accounted for
all i have is $100 to last me 13 days.
so for lunch and dinner
i cooked a box of ziti,
heated up a jar of mushroom marinara sauce,
"that's the first time you've cooked since i've lived here,"
my roommate dillon said.

07.31.05--11:39 p.m.

(sing)

i had two people visit me today
(felt like a powerless don corleone,
without the ring kissing)
the first ones i'd seen since
i came home from work on friday
(wait, there were the repairmen,
one friday and one saturday)

wait, this is all wrong
i went out on friday night
it's an unusual thing for me
(so i forgot)
but my rule is that when a friend's band that's supported me
has a party for their new cd
that i make myself leave my home
and honor them,
honor them.